See the disclaimer here.
February 22, 2012
I dislike emotions. They're too erratic. Unpredictable. Irrational. So, it's true that I try to keep emotions out of my blogging. It sounds kind of odd stating it that way but sometimes posting about only the great parts of life can be a breath of fresh air. It's motivating and inspirational. It also affords a person the the luxury of appreciation. The small things don't go unnoticed. But you know, life isn't all about pretty pictures and DIY projects either. And I do respect the bloggers out there who are real and open and brutally honest. Life isn't always full of sunshiny days. So that's where I am right now. And I kind of think I'm going there. To a more cloudy day.
The truth is I was pregnant. And now I'm not. And it's been a terrible whirlwind of emotions. We didn't find out about the loss until our first prenatal visit. My body was still fighting to keep that pregnancy going even though the embryo had stopped developing. It was a really difficult way to find out. I'm sure bleeding is scary too. I guess there's really no good way. I won't go into the details but, I will say, I have so much more sympathy towards those who have to go through this further along. In that way, we were lucky. I wasn't showing. I hadn't seen a precious baby on the ultrasound and listened to a little heartbeat. I wasn't attached to small kicks in my belly. If anything, I was still trying to grasp the concept that I was carrying a small miracle most days. So in that way, we were lucky. This feels more like a loss of happiness.
There were so many tests last week. Just blindly going through the motions. This week the reality is sinking in. The emotions are showing. Passing the grocery store aisle stocked with diapers and baby food, it hurts. At work, being forced to do things which seem so meaningless, it angers me. Why the people who don't even want babies always seem to be the ones who have normal pregnancies, it confuses me. All of my happy blog posts I wrote in anticipation of sharing our amazing news, how I haven't been able to bring myself to delete them. And I'm utterly sad at the realization that the baby I thought I would be having in September is gone and so is the happiness I was carrying around for weeks. But, this is life. Nothing goes as planned. And all I can do is keep going and look forward to the day that this is behind me. Pregnancy is so surreal. I'm still hopeful. I haven't lost hope.
It's awkward sharing this. Somehow it seems like a secret maybe I shouldn't be sharing. But why? I took such comfort in every single person who had the courage to share similar stories before this experience. My sister asked me if I regretted sharing the news of our pregnancy to the few we told and my answer is absolutely not. Those people, family and close friends, have been such a great support in all of this. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Life isn't hopeless. I'm still hoping for days full of sunshine.