See the disclaimer here.
November 29, 2012
I miscarried... again. I don't even want to talk about it so I'm not sure why I'm even bothering to type this to begin with. Maybe it's because I'm still holding onto the hope of one day being able to look back at this from a different situation.
This time it was more obvious. And painful. But unlike last time, where the overwhelming feeling was sadness, now I just feel anger. Anger at all of the people who never have to experience how awful this is. Anger at not knowing why it's happening. Should I have put myself on bed rest? Should I have exercised more? Is there a problem with one of us? Or both of us? No one is going to be able to provide me the answers either. It just is.
Maybe I should have known better. Sadly, I'll probably know better next time. Next time, there won't be champagne for my husband when he comes home. Next time, there won't be a small kite with bows and big cut out letters reading "Daddy" across our living room wall. Next time, there will just be a solemn and scared, "I'm pregnant". A person is only built with so much hope. If I have one more miscarriage, than I'll officially be deemed high risk. If this is some kind of test by God, it's really quite wicked. The one thing I've cared most about in my life, a family, now seems far away and unattainable. This pregnancy, like my last, felt like the light at the end of the tunnel. Without it, I feel reckless and lost. Should I go back to work now? But what if work demands force me to carry heavy boxes or open heavy doors? Is this a choice between work or family? What if working will pose a greater risk of miscarriage? It sounds silly, I know, but there are a few things I didn't share previously.
Remember that psychic I went to before moving to Ohio? Well, she shared a few tidbits of advice with me. One: I have a forward tilted uterus. Apparently. She recommended I try and "trick" the doctor into admitting it to me by informing him/her that I was told in the past I have one, and seeing if the doctor admits to it. Valerie informed me, because of this, I am at a higher risk of miscarriage. Once I reach month 4 I will be okay but before then I need to (insert her words exactly) pamper myself. No fixing curtains, pulling at bed sheets or yanking laundry from the washer or dryer. This is the time I should relax, presumably as I imagine, on the couch. Sound crazy? Well, maybe I would agree with you except that she also told me to eat tums twice a day because I have a buildup of acid. Oh, and she recommended certain, uh-hem, positions we try. She indicated that if I did all of that, I would likely be pregnant within 2 - 3 months. Well, guess what people? At exactly 2 months, I did get pregnant. After 8 months of trying, her tips appear to have worked.
So, what now?