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August 2, 2013
Wanting something which is somewhat out of your control is a funny thing. It messes with the mind just an itsy bitsy much. I've tried to look towards God as much as possible during this time, finding comfort in the belief that He knows best about the timing of my one-day baby's arrival. I've also been avoiding psychics, which is REALLY tempting. The last psychic I went to provided me with some hints to becoming pregnant and a timeline for conception. It came true. She was spot on with the timing. But it doesn't feel right to go back to her. Or any psychic for that matter. It feels somehow like a betrayal of God. I don't want to find myself worshipping the wrong thing. And please don't misunderstand me; I don't even consider myself to be that religious. Maybe I'm being superstitious. I've also found it somewhat difficult not having any friends to discuss this long, sometimes torturous, road with because a) none of my friends are trying that I know of and b) everyone else seems to get pregnant right away!
After first being diagnosed with MTHFR, I went online and tried to find some groups of other women suffering from the same condition. I found them. And then promptly left them. I found myself stressing even more over which vitamins and supplements I should be taking. Were they taking the same things? Were their doctor's prescribing different medicines or tests? I soon found myself questioning the advise of my fertility specialist. Not to mention all the sad, sad stories of women who had suffered miscarriages, many more than I've had to experience. So where I had first turned in hopes of finding some soothing and support had actually turned into some much not needed stress.
Then I found trying to conceive boards. Finally, I was home. I can't tell you how comforting it has been to chat with other ladies going through the same two week roller coaster. People who understand what it's like to question every twinge and change in your body. An entire group of women who finally understand the level of disappointment in seeing a negative pregnancy test. I'm still learning the language because believe me, there are A LOT of abbreviations out there, but it's been such an unexpected joy that I can hardly complain. Better yet, in some weird way, it's taken the pressure off a bit. I feel just that much more confident. So thank you. Thank you to all of the random strangers who are willing to put themselves out there. It helps. A LOT.