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August 18, 2012
I've given up. Well, actually, to state that correctly - I gave up. Awhile ago. I'm just now expressing my given-upness. I decided that my little sensitive self just couldn't take the crushing disappointment for one more month. So, it's official. We stopped trying. At least for now. The calendar has been turned over. And don't you worry, I'm evening keeping that little voice inside my head who's saying, "Oh, but this is when a lot of people do get pregnant. When they stop trying!" at bay. Let me be clear: I haven't stopped trying in a secret attempt to hopefully get pregnant. I'm throwing all thoughts of babies into the wind. Which is why, in part, it's taken me so long to write this post.
I even treated myself to a spending spree, one that clearly did not involve stashing away money for a someday soon baby. And you know, so far, it's been kind of nice. All of that positive thinking, visualization, desperately hoping... it's so exhausting. Try as I might, I couldn't help that inevitable sadness which crept in month after month following our failure. I'm still young. I'm not 39 with one egg left. So I'm taking a little breather. It still creeps up on me sometimes, that craving for a baby. Or that confusion about why it hasn't happened. I've been keeping all of those worst-case-scenario fears away.
I can't say that anything spectacular has happened this month. I've replaced hope with guilt over the amount of money I now owe back on my credit card. Instead of feeling excitement over the what-if's, I'm suddenly bored with life. Not quite single to the point of drinking on a week night and throwing caution to the wind but not yet stuck at home with husband and baby either. I'm lost to the middle ground. I haven't quite decided yet either where I want to take this in the future. Should we try harder? Or less? Should I invest in an ovulation mean machine or consult a fertility specialist? Has it even been a year yet? Jeez, when was the last time I even saw my gyno?
The happy part about all of this is that for now, everything has stopped. No decisions need to be made. This month, I don't know when late will be. I don't know the exact day I should be ripping open the plastic on a pregnancy test. I'm back to life pre-trying. Life is a bit boring, sure, but it's not an emotional roller coaster either. So for now, I'm kicking back with a glass of wine and wondering whether or not I should rack up some more credit card debt by visiting my newly-discovered psychic neighbor. When that's your biggest decision, you know you're doing something right.