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August 2, 2013
Babies. All I can think about is babies. My first thought upon waking? You guessed it: babies. My prayers at night: babies. I might just be legitimately losing my mind. You would think, in fact, from the number of thoughts circling around in my head about conception lately that I've never been pregnant. I keep trying to scold my mind into submission by reminding it that I've already been pregnant before.. twice. And it didn't occur after only one month of trying back then either. It took quite a few actually. Both times. So you see, it's not about whether I can become pregnant. It's about when. Which believe me, is nothing short of a small miracle. It's the one and only silver lining to a miscarriage - that small (or very big) knowledge that you are capable of pregnancy. So I shouldn't be obsessing right? I should just be sitting pretty with the knowledge that every month which ends in "failure" just brings me one month closer to the one in which I'll succeed. Ah, but if only that noggin of mine worked this way. Instead of being calm in the knowledge that this is so, something short of hysteria is happening. That whole ticking time bomb.. it's true! I've started to make crazy, insane, just-give-me-the-straight-jacket-now goals for myself. It has to happen before my sister's wedding, before my 29th birthday, before we move into a house....etc. etc.
And then this month, one week before my dearly hated aunt flow is scheduled to supposedly but hopefully not visit, I spotted. I won't even say "I was spotting," as in something that continued. Just once. I noticed it just once. For anyone who knows anything about this obsession with pregnancy, you know that there's a little something called implantation bleeding. It can happen when the fertilized egg implants into your uterus and usually occurs, well whaddya know, one week before your period! Hip hip hurray! Maybe. Or a big fat maybe not. The other scenario is much less thrilling. It could be a result of me stressing. Physically stressing. As in, this isn't just in my head anymore. Stressing stressing. Supposedly, based on some Google searching, if I'm stressed enough, my body can become low in progesterone (which naturally occurs to a degree around this time of the month anyway). If this level becomes too low, voila - here comes some spotting! Or a one time spot, if you're me.
So you see, this will be a sign either way. If in the end I find I'm positive on a handy dandy pee stick then it'll be high time for some rejoicing. If not, it may be a time for me to take a good hard look at how else I can focus my mental energies on something else. And if measuring the length of my first paragraph regarding my obsession is any indicator, it looks like I may be doing the latter.