Yanking my head out of the deep, dark depths of the sand, originally written October 1st, 2013.

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October 1, 2013

I think I've had my head in the sand. You know, like an ostrich. Anyway, I realized the other day (aka today) that I've been excessively slow to pull the trigger on just about everything. It was months before I decided to even purchase an OPK. Charting my temperature? Well, it's been two years and I finally, FINALLY just started this month. Most women jump on that bandwagon as soon as they're let out of the gate. My hesitation surely isn't any indication of how badly I want a baby because I want one. Achingly bad. So what is it? Why all of this shuffling of the feet on my part? The only thing I can assume is that I'm still grasping onto the idea of being "normal". I'm still trying to pretend that I can do this naturally like all of those loosey goosey sixteen year olds that find themselves pregnant.

I think I might finally have accepted the truth. I'm not normal. It's been just about a year since my last miscarriage. That's a long time. It's officially time for me to see my fertility doctor again and not just for acupuncture. It's time for me to step up my game and get my head out of my ass. I've been pussy footing around, scared of what I might find. Scared to open that can of worms which is medical help. The truth is, I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. And I know that this doesn't get any easier. This could be worse. We still have possibilities that don't involve 15 grand and the letters IVF. There are still other paths we can try. Unexplored opportunities.

So here's the plan - 1. Wait for Auntie Flow to visit, which I'm pretty sure she's going to do this weekend (it's Tuesday). I wouldn't be a helpless trying-to-conceive-er though if I didn't hopelessly still hold onto the idea that there's a smidgen of a chance that maybe she won't come. 2. Call my favorite psychic who helped give me some hints and predicted my last pregnancy. 3. Call the fertility doctor and set up an appointment. 4. Buy a trying to conceive book! Enough avoidance. Let's get down to business and see what all of this hubbub is actually about.

And the irony of it all is that I now feel supremely better in the knowledge that I'm actually doing something, well, or going to do something. Soon. I'm taking action. It's like I've been holding my breath for a long time,  I've finally given up the fight and now I'm letting out a huge exhale. Not quite a sigh of relief... yet. We'll see if this brings us any closer to a bundle in our arms. Here's to hoping and wishing and praying.

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