A real pain in my...right side?, originally written October 8th, 2013.

See the disclaimer here.

October 8, 2013

Well that changes the name of the game. It's been officially almost a year since my last miscarriage. Granted not all months have been a stellar performance by myself and my husband, but we've been trying ever since for another pregnancy. No such luck. The typical roller coaster ensues - 2 weeks I'm in a great, hopeful, positive mood. The second two weeks I'm grasping at straws, hoping and praying and then devastated to see the results not swinging in the direction I want them.

I finally called the good doc. It was time for a second consultation, I was sure. The night before I called though, I laid.. no, more like thrashed around, in bed and then later, on the couch, in pain. I've had this issue for what seems like forever now. Typically when the weather changes suddenly, as it does in the event of a storm rolling through, my hips will start to ache. More accurately, my right hip. I thought nothing of this because I have very distinct memories as a child of my right leg aching whenever I stayed up too late. It was my no nonsense sign that it was way past my bedtime. So I'm achy. No worries there. My husband jokes I'm like an old lady. I joke that I'm like a delicate flower.The past few months I've noticed that this dull ache on my right side seems to have migrated to a very specific part of my pelvis. I was sure at first this was somehow related to ovulation. Maybe I'm over analyzing every twinge as one who is trying to conceive for so long often does. I ignored it.

A few times I felt like the spot itched, under my skin. I ignored it. The symptoms always came and went. And then the other night happened and I couldn't sleep because I was so uncomfortable and the pain felt so much more intense. It was a stormy night. Literally and figuratively.

So my fertility doctor's office saw me the following morning. Ultrasound was done and he confirmed I ovulated on my right side (yay.. good news) and then promptly told me that he thinks I might have endometreosis and will need to undergo surgery. Woah. Was NOT expecting that one. I had prepared for all kinds of discussions about maybe some crazy, angry cyst that had grown on my ovary. I had convinced myself that this was my issue. Endometreosis? This wasn't even on my radar. Now, he didn't actually see anything on the ultrasound that led him to believe I might have endometriosis but the pain factored in with our inability to conceive is what brought him to this belief I think.

So now I'm faced with a laproscopy and hysteroscopy next week. I'm terrified. I've never broken a bone. I've never had to go to the hospital in general, for anything. It's outpatient, thank goodness. But still. I'm afraid of what they might find and afraid of the embarrassment if they find nothing. I'm petrified that they'll have to remove something.. or everything. What if it's severe? From what I've read, it tends to come back even if he's successful removing most of it now. What if he tells us I can't carry a child, for whatever reason. So yes, I'm scared.

But what if this is "the" problem. Could this also be the answer to all of my issues? Maybe this will lead us to finally being able to make a family. There's a part of me that's completely optimistic, over the moon excited, at the possibility that this could possibly, finally, be over. Or more accurately, be the beginning.

So that leaves me petrified and optimistic. I'm wavering constantly and all I really want to do is fast forward to after the surgery is completed.

I'm trying not to be a baby about this. It's supposed to only be an hour and a half surgery. There will be three incisions, one near my belly button and two around where I imagine my ovaries to be. The recovery, so says the doctor, should only be a day or two. I'll have my husband with me. Maybe I'll be like new afterwards. Or maybe this will open an entirely new can of worms. Maybe this will be a life-long disease I have to battle. It's a weird feeling, to know there's something possibly very wrong with you. The MTHFR diagnosis was difficult, but that's just a deficiency in my ability to absorb certain vitamins (and properly alleviate toxins, so I'm learning). But this. This could be what kills me. 

Ok, maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself. This could be nothing but an old lady-like aching hip and arthritis.

Ugh.