An emotional update, originally written February 17th, 2014.

See the disclaimer here.

Monday February 17, 2014

Sometimes I cringe writing the date. There was a time when I thought the year wouldn't be necessary, but alas, here we 2014.

So, a gut check on how things have been going. I'd say, overall, it's going pretty well all things considered. I am, of course, thinking about the possibility of being pregnant about every 2 minutes seconds. I have over analyzed the fact that my face feels drier this month and my boobs haven't sprouted to herculean sizes yet like they usually do this close to the start of my period. Or the slight bouts of anxiety I've had at night. All potentially good signs. Maybe.

I've never had typical pregnancy signs in the past that cued me into the possibility of being pregnant. The first time around, way back when I was a newbie, it was the lack of PMS symptoms that made me test the night before my period was due. It was such a "Huh. That's weird. I don't even feel like I'm about to start!" moment. I bought a test and didn't even wait until morning. Just took it right then and there in the middle of the afternoon after drinking a fair amount of water not that much earlier. And guess what? It didn't matter. That test was glaringly, surprisingly, positive. The only pregnancy signs I started to notice came a week or so later. Feeling nauseous (but never actually having to go through with the act), dandruff and dry skin, heavy and hot sleep, nightmares and being uncomfortable in my regular bed.

The second time around, as I'm sure you've read by now, was a little more comical. There was dropping the test and the faint positive. But even before that, I had noticed the dandruff again. I had one night where I woke up in the middle of the night with heart pounding and the worst anxiety I've felt in a very, very long time. The following day, I went to a football game and drank some wine. The hangover was awfullllll and didn't match at all with the quantity of consumption. I remember getting excited. I was feeling a little off. This was a good sign. Next, my boobs went from completely normal to extremely painful overnight and I started getting headaches and having heartburn. And then the positive. Before the miscarriage, the only clue I had that it was coming were some slight cramps I felt after taking a 2.5 mile walk. A week later, I woke up one morning to my face slick with oil, like I usually experience the week before my period. A few days later, it was an obvious no go.

I'm very proud of the fact that this month I've successfully avoided taking my temperature. I officially know, only down to a window of 4 days, that I ovulated because of a morning temperature I took last Monday. So I've survived a whole week. I'm closing in on the finish line. It's within arm's reach.

My chat with Valerie the psychic is happening tomorrow night. Originally, I anticipated wanting to take a test tomorrow morning so I would know before our conversation what the result of my IUI was this month. What's the point in asking a whole bunch of questions about getting pregnant if I already am? Or, conversely, if I don't take the test, will I be crushed when I read into her answers about getting pregnant in the future and surmise that it didn't happen this month. Would I rather a test tell me that I'm not pregnant or a psychic?

Ultimately, I've decided not to test. I know myself well enough to know that I won't trust the results even if I do. There's no way I can say with certainty how many days past ovulation I am, other than to assume the latest possible scenario. That would mean I would only be 8dpo today and testing at 9dpo is pretty unreliable. In a desperate attempt to hold on to hope, I would likely just convince myself a test later in the week would give me the result I want to see. So basically, I might as well save my money.

Well actually, if you must know, the money has already been spent. There's a three pack of tests sitting in my bathroom as we speak. I don't possess that much control. Ha.

So, the question then becomes, how long will I be able to hold out? I've been feeling an uncharacteristic urge to hold off as long as possible. I kind of like this hope thing. Why rush to dash all of my dreams? Is it sad that I've begun to analyze which day I will be able to handle the disappointment best?

If I test Friday and it's negative, it's at least still Friday. I can indulge my feelings of sadness in a bottle of wine guilt free.

But if I test Thursday and it's positive, that gives me enough time to call the pharmacy and pick up my prescriptions by Friday. As soon as I find out I'm pregnant, I have to start daily injections of a blood thinner and progesterone to try and avoid another miscarriage. If I have to wait, I know there will be a lot of anxiety that I'm putting everything at risk.

The getting pregnant part is only half the battle after all. The real batter starts once I see those two lines.

If this post reads as negative, know that in actuality I'm feeling pretty positive about everything. Well, tentatively positive. I still feel stupid writing a post like this knowing that there's a very good chance that I'm not pregnant. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

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