Misery loves company. So don't answer the door., originally written January 17th 2014

See the disclaimer here.

January 17, 2014

Has it been awhile since my last post? Oh my.

Why yes, it's an entirely new year. When did that happen?!

Like so many others, I have found myself succumbing to the temptations of a little life makeover. A lifestyle makeover, if you will. Count us in as those annoying gym go-ers that join in January. Guilty as charged. But we didn't stop there. We also rid ourselves of cable. Entirely. No cable in our household. No sirree! You'd be amazed at all of the productive things I end up doing when coming home and plopping my skinny little ass on the couch in front of the tele isn't an option. We've been cooking (more) delicious meals, going to a church we recently discovered and love, hitting the gym (hello again elliptical. Long time no see!) and reading books like rapid fire. Or at least I am. I still can't quite convince my husband that reading is an enjoyable past time. Those mandatory books they force you to read in high school apparently did something awful because I cannot get that boy to pick up a book and stick with it to save his life. Oh well. Good thing I love him anyway :)

So you see, we've been quite the healthy version of ourselves this past month. Along with all of these lovely little changes came a resolution of my own. Ironically, it was to stop reading blogs. Yes, you read that correctly. Nice to meet you. Me, well, I'm a total hypocrite. As I write this blog post, I've sworn off almost everyone elses. I've also avoided Facebook (or Bragbook, as my husband calls it) and all baby related communities and web searches (of which I was quickly becoming an addict). And I must say, the change I feel is practically visible. I feel... free.

It wasn't long ago that I started questioning all of my obsessive behavior and thoughts towards babies. First came the decision to start helping others in need, and so my monthly commitment to a charity was born. Next came the realization that I was starting to hate my life, unnecessarily. I have a ton of beautiful, absolutely blessed aspects of my life that I should be nothing short of grateful for and yet here I was, stuck. Obsessing over the one thing I wanted and couldn't force to happen. My life became small and narrow. It all came down to this one element. This one aspect, that no matter how perfectly I tried, I was failing at and making myself miserable in the process.

So here I sit. A happier version of me. Focusing not on what I want, but what I already have. Trying to be positive and full and live life, not just feeling like I'm stuck on pause. I don't have a baby. I don't know if I'll ever have a baby. But what I do know is that there's more to living and enjoying life than babies. There's a whole amazing world out there and friends, families, jobs, opportunities, to be thankful for everyday. The sheer lack of horrible, unmentionable struggles going on in my life is enough to be thankful for because life can so quickly change. In a blink of an eye. There's a lot of pain and suffering up for grabs in life. Not being able to have a baby when I deem it the right time, shouldn't be one of them.

So I'm relaxed right now with the knowledge that I'm enjoying this life as much as possible. I'm making a decision to enjoy life. I'm making a decision, right here and right now, for as long as I can hold out, to be happy.

I choose happy.

And just maybe, the rest will follow.

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