Sorry is not in my vocabulary, originally written November 6th, 2013.

See the disclaimer here.

November 6, 2013

No more apologies. I will not apologize for thinking about babies... constantly. I will not apologize for feeling a little green when someone close to me announces their pregnancy. I make no apologies for buying baby booties even though I'm not pregnant...yet.

Sometimes, I think we're harshest to ourselves. It's the dialogue that no one else hears that hurts the most. And quite frankly, I'm tired of fighting the natural feelings. Why are we so down on ourselves for emotionally responding to situations.. naturally? Why are we hiding?

Isn't it completely normal to focus your attentions and energy solely on one aspect when you have a dream? In fact, most successful people (however you personally would like to define success) are the first to say that they never lost focus. Never lost hope. Kept battling even when people or situations pushed them down. So there! Eat that.

Also, that whole biological clock thing. It's real. We're programmed to want to reproduce. Okay, you could probably fight me on that statement. But whatever. I feel it's a natural inclination for most women to want children. So why feel bad about it? Why apologize? Hell, why even hide it?! Last time I checked, men don't hide their love of sports or cars or sports cars. Oh, or big ta-tas. They certainly don't hide that. Well you know what, Mr. Sir, I really, really, reaaaaaally want a baby. So there.

And lastly, that whole devil called envy. Natural response. Completely natural. How can one not feel momentary disappointment when someone else close to you achieves a dream which comes so naturally to most, but that you have to struggle and battle and fight for?

I will admit that this is a tricky one though. There's a fine line between your own self preservation, say, by slightly distancing yourself from said pregnant lady until you feel emotionally strong, or by just being downright monstrous by avoiding all communication. I think it's only natural to feel a bit envious. It's okay even. Maybe even talk about it? Acknowledge it. Don't freakin' try and hide it because guess what, no one's buying your BS. And it's okay. You're allowed to wallow for a few minutes. It's Normal, with a capital N! Normal! Normal! Normal! Take a few minutes to gather yourself. To remind yourself you're lucky in other aspects of your life.

I like to think that everyone is tested in different ways throughout their lives. This just happens to be yours.

And lastly, all of that time I spend pinning nursery rooms on pinterest and secretly buying discount baby clothing? Well, hell, if that aint positive thinking, I don't know what is. And last time I checked, there isn't anything negative about positive, unless you let it get you down. As long as you look around and see all of those baby items as hope and not despair, well then I say, pin away my fellow friend! Pin away.

So there you go. No apologies. Full speed ahead. This is who I am. This is the battle I've been chosen to fight. It comes with a lot of shit. A lot of wallowing and a lot of hope. It's a mountain I'm climbing. Sometimes it feels like I'm right there, about to reach the top. Sometimes it feels like I fell to the bottom. It's a journey I'm travelling. This is my life. And I don't apologize for any of it.