Post may contain affiliate links. Explanation here.
Sorry for this weird spacing. I don't have the energy or time (mostly time) to figure out what's going on with this odd little bit on my blog. This here post is going to be the mother of all blog posts. Hah! Pun intended :p See, it's getting rather tiresome trying to go back and forth between the past and the present so I'm just going to fast forward here a bit. Below are some things I wrote about months ago but still haven't quite gotten the time to share.. until now.
Originally written 3/5/15. MY EVERYDAY AT 3 MONTHS.
We're in a state of transition. Homeless, never again to return to our house in Ohio where Evelyn Rose was first brought home from the hospital or where I spent months decorating her nursery. Not quite yet moved into a new residence in New Jersey. Hopping from one grandparents' home to the other. Evelyn Rose is officially two months old today. Two months feels a bit closer to two years at times but I think it may just be the drastic contrast in my life pre- and post-baby. It feels like entire lifetimes ago that I was pregnant. Speaking of pregnancy, I flipped through some photographs from me and my pregnant days and it's incredible how fast the memory fades. Was I really that pregnant? Was my belly really that big?
I sometimes feel as though my heart is only big enough for Evelyn Rose. I was so engrossed, my heart so heavy with longing for a family, that now I sometimes wonder whether I'll ever want a second child. Life feels so complete with her in our everyday. I can't imagine a time when she won't be enough. Will that itch for another baby ever come creeping in again? Maybe it's also the fact that my body's still healing from the birth or that the newborn phase can be difficult and I'm just so
in it right now. Maybe she'll grow out of our late night feedings, the cute random smiles or her ability to take wonder at the world from her spot in the swing. Maybe then I'll find myself longing yet again to feel life growing from within. For now though, Evelyn Rose is my everything.
Her twinkling smiles. Her bath time in the sink. The way she'll fall asleep in my arms. Her bottom lip quiver. The frantic head bobs as she tries to take in the world around her. Those coos. That belly and those chubby big toes. The way she needs me in a way that no one else can satisfy. She is my everything, everyday.
Originally written 2/10/15. FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
OH EM GEE. I just got our little miss to fall asleep ON HER OWN, without a paci, in her bouncer/glider!!! This is the most victorious moment EVER. Oh the ridiculous things that mamma bears get excited about.. but seriously, if you only knew how my little teddy bear hates being put down in anything (boppy, play mat, bassinet etc.) even now at 5 weeks, you'd more fully comprehend how momentous this moment really is for my freedom.
Ps. The magic trick? Put that swing on full speed with some white noise. I was previously mistaken in my assumption that our little delicate flower wouldn't want to feel like she was in a race car. Ha!
Originally written 2/5/15. ONE MONTH RECAP.
Tears. Did you know that when babies are first born, their cries are tearless? I know. Such an odd thing that I never even noticed had it not been a friend who mentioned it. Baby girl is starting to shed tears now when she cries and is it cruel to admit that I think it's the cutest thing ever? Who can resist that pouty little mouth and those big watery eyes!
It's sort of insanely beautiful how much has changed from that first day we brought her home. The changes in her behavior have been so slight from day to day that I almost wouldn't notice them, except that I do because each day somehow gets that much easier. I remember when she was just a wee little thing (okay, she still is) and would immediately cry and scream if she was laid on her back or even titled backwards. We slept for an entire week together on my family room couch (don't start.. I know this is the absolute worst thing to do with a newborn), just her and I and the twinkling lights from our Christmas tree that I didn't have the heart to take down. Now baby girl sleeps in her bassinett besides our bed most of the evening with no issues and has even let me (gasp!) lay her on her play mat without wailing up a storm. We've gotten in the groove of things, late night feedings in the dim light of her nursery, diaper changes that don't involve crying, small butterfly smiles that I catch every so often. How she gazes at the top of your head and will follow you with her eyes if you move. Those little strong fists that she gets going up and down in her moments of frustration and the quiet sighs she makes when she's content. That little round belly that I just can't get enough of and her long hair that seems to be getting lighter by the day.
Being a new mommy is hard in a way that is difficult to explain if you've never gone through it yourself and rewarding in a way that you could never even imagine.
Originally written 1/28/15. THREE WEEKS.
I caved. I caved last night and gave my adorable, fussy little girl a pacifier. It was pure heaven. Poor little thing has a bit of an irritable tummy (I can literally hear those gas bubbles gurgling) so a lot of times she's fussy if her belly's bothering her. The pacifier seemed to...well, pacify her. It was pure heaven and allowed this mama an extra hour (or two!) of sleep.
With that being said, I feel like a fully functioning adult today. I've had my moments over the past three weeks but they've been mostly short lived. It makes me kind of sad. I so badly want to soak in every moment of this experience. I picked up one of baby girl's diapers today, newborn size, and had a flashback to trying to conceive. Oh, how I'd pick up those tiny diapers and long so badly for a baby. Nowadays, I grab those same diapers without even acknowledging their size, my focus instead being on changing Evelyn as quickly as possible and with as little tears (ok, she doesn't actually shed tears yet.. I know, weird!) as possible.
I'm scared that in this whole life altering adjustment, that I'm missing it. There are so many hurdles in the beginning -getting your body back to normal, trying to find time to feed yourself, figuring out how to sooth a crying baby at 4am - that it's sometimes easy to miss the good stuff. I had such high expectations. I had a pinterest board full of cute photos I wanted to take. I had cute headbands I wanted to dress her in. I had visions of what this would be like and yet, she's already 3 weeks old and I still haven't found the energy or time to do them!
I think this might just be parenthood though. There's nothing perfect about it. There's just trying the best that you can and enjoying the process as much as possible.
So, they may not seem like a lot, but here are our accomplishments of the day: Our very first walk in the stroller. Hubs is away for a job interview so baby girl and I went it alone. It's so gorgeous and sunny that I couldn't resist that vitamin D. It was a short lived walk due to the cold temperatures but it felt great to get outside. We followed it up by going on our first errand together. Seems like no big deal but after weeks of anxiety inducing hormones surging through my body, it felt great to do something so normal and without the nervous worrying that seems to have hovered over me for the first two weeks.
And up next...some newborn photos. Stay tuned!
