See the disclaimer here.
January 15, 2012
It's slowly starting to sink in. Slowly. I'm pregnant. I haven't actually announced it to anyone, except for hubby of course. This is still our special secret, held closely between just us. And in a way, I like it better like this. Sure, I'm beyond excited to share the news but, for now, this is ours.
The prospect of life changing, in such a a dramatic way, is a little intimidating. It just dawned on me, for instance, that my next drink will be in... nine months. Nine months?! That is a LONG time. And oh my. Summer. Bikinis. I'll be pregnant. Very pregnant. I guess I probably won't be able to attend that wedding in August anymore either if I can't fly. And those Doritos. Probably should be a pass. I went grocery shopping and I don't think I've ever purchased so many fruits and vegetables in one trip. And what do you mean, cold cuts are off limits? What will I eat for lunch?! It's overwhelming. The number of baby names, which I'm frantically trying to digest now, are overwhelming. Overwhelmingly exciting. All of it. The prospect of a nursery. When do you do these things? When is it appropriate to buy baby furniture? Surely not until after the three month mark. All of these new to-do's. I welcome all of them with open arms. Right this moment, all I can see is now. This moment. The future moments, they will come and they will wait. I don't want to think about the unknown. The scary. The unthinkable. The future. Just.this.moment. which belongs only to me. My days are already brighter than ever before. Curious. This revolving life of mine.
What I wrote on January 13th, 2012.
See the disclaimer here.
Friday, January 13, 2012.
It finally happened. I keep staring at those two little pink lines on that test, as if to try and burn it into my brain. To make it feel more real than it does, because it's really quite unbelievable. Although I've been waiting and hoping and praying for this moment, it still somehow feels surreal. I keep carrying that stick around with me, from room to room, as if being near to it will make me closer to the baby inside of me... that has been for weeks now. It's incredible. The entire experience.
So, let me tell you a tale.
Back in September, after 10 straight years of dutifully taking my daily pill, I.. well, we.. decided to end the birth control. I've been whispering in my husband's ear for some time now about babies. It's kind of ironic actually. I was never the babysitter growing up. I wasn't even really a fan of children. To this day, I'm honestly no good at it. I'm not one of those natural types who will playfully whip up your giggling child into her arms. Luckily, neither was my mom and look at her. She turned out fabulously! So I'm hoping this is an okay sign. Not a great one necessarily, but maybe I won't be totally terrible at motherhood. So, anywho.. I remember my coworker once telling me on a mall lunch break about how she reached a certain age and it hit her... hard. The baby crazy. And I remember her telling me how it got worse by the month. And what do you know, it did! Hubs and I have casually been talking about the possibility of one day having children for probably about a year now. Most of the times, it's been fueled by a few choice cocktails. I'll never forget the day he walked into the kitchen and announced that he was ready. He wanted me off the pill. Didn't think it was healthy for my body. And wanted to start trying right then. Me, of course being the person I am, had to research first. I started my multivitamin straight away. And then something happened. He started wavering. And soon, he wanted to wait until the New Year. He had opened that can of worms though. Once I was finally "allowed" to want a baby, it began. I couldn't help myself from looking at nurseries online. I even started stockpiling baby neutral items in our guest room, in anticipation of the day. Besides, why not financially shell out some money now while we've got it? Right? Right.
So fast forward. I felt frustrated when it didn't happen. I worried actually, which is a feeling I'm quite close to most times. I started getting nervous that maybe I would, or he would, have fertility problems. How do you know you can actually get pregnant until you actually do get pregnant? And then I went to that psychic. Well, two actually. And they both told me it would happen. Combine that with the reassurance from my parents, and I finally started to relax. And they saw children in my future. I stopped researching. I stopped keeping track of important dates and symptoms on my calendar. And Voila! What do you know, but a month later, and I'm staring at that beautiful little stick which holds endless possibilities for the future. Don't let this fool you. It didn't feel easy. All of those teenagers and women who get pregnant by mistake, or on the first try, start to sound really lucky after even just a few months. In reality, I actually wasn't planning on taking the test until tomorrow morning. My official "day after". But once I had made my purchase, I was too anxious to wait. And really, I was quite sure it would be just like all the other times. One line dashed with a little bit of heartbreak. For some reason, I decided to hold this test in my hand and watch the shades of pink change. And let me tell you, when I first spotted that faint second line, I thought there was a glimmer of hope. Was I imagining it? Forcing it into existence? And as I watched it become increasingly darker, I was dumbfounded. Awe struck. Was this really happening?! Tonight??? I sat and stared for a few minutes, as I'm sure is par for the course with these things. And then I did the only thing I could think to do. I prettied myself up in anticipation of sharing the news with hubby. And I shakily, and nervously, and almost-not-able-to-think-ily, wrote Kenneth a love note on a card I had purchased months before. I didn't have a grand plan on how to tell him. I only knew I wanted it to be special. Luckily, it wasn't too hard to set the stage. He had music playing. I grabbed the candle. He grabbed the chairs and beer (for him, not me :). And after he spoke about all of the great changes happening in his life, with work and the possibility of traveling, I timidly handed him that card. I'll never forget his reaction. It was perfect beyond words. That smile from ear to ear as he drew out the card and saw the little picture of a baby carriage. The searching eyes as they met mine. And then that pure happiness that you can actually see beaming off of someone. It's so rare. And such a special moment. We will never get back that moment. No matter what happens from here on out. No matter what roads lie ahead of us. I'll never forget that moment between us. There never is a first again.
Friday, January 13, 2012.
So, let me tell you a tale.
Back in September, after 10 straight years of dutifully taking my daily pill, I.. well, we.. decided to end the birth control. I've been whispering in my husband's ear for some time now about babies. It's kind of ironic actually. I was never the babysitter growing up. I wasn't even really a fan of children. To this day, I'm honestly no good at it. I'm not one of those natural types who will playfully whip up your giggling child into her arms. Luckily, neither was my mom and look at her. She turned out fabulously! So I'm hoping this is an okay sign. Not a great one necessarily, but maybe I won't be totally terrible at motherhood. So, anywho.. I remember my coworker once telling me on a mall lunch break about how she reached a certain age and it hit her... hard. The baby crazy. And I remember her telling me how it got worse by the month. And what do you know, it did! Hubs and I have casually been talking about the possibility of one day having children for probably about a year now. Most of the times, it's been fueled by a few choice cocktails. I'll never forget the day he walked into the kitchen and announced that he was ready. He wanted me off the pill. Didn't think it was healthy for my body. And wanted to start trying right then. Me, of course being the person I am, had to research first. I started my multivitamin straight away. And then something happened. He started wavering. And soon, he wanted to wait until the New Year. He had opened that can of worms though. Once I was finally "allowed" to want a baby, it began. I couldn't help myself from looking at nurseries online. I even started stockpiling baby neutral items in our guest room, in anticipation of the day. Besides, why not financially shell out some money now while we've got it? Right? Right.
So fast forward. I felt frustrated when it didn't happen. I worried actually, which is a feeling I'm quite close to most times. I started getting nervous that maybe I would, or he would, have fertility problems. How do you know you can actually get pregnant until you actually do get pregnant? And then I went to that psychic. Well, two actually. And they both told me it would happen. Combine that with the reassurance from my parents, and I finally started to relax. And they saw children in my future. I stopped researching. I stopped keeping track of important dates and symptoms on my calendar. And Voila! What do you know, but a month later, and I'm staring at that beautiful little stick which holds endless possibilities for the future. Don't let this fool you. It didn't feel easy. All of those teenagers and women who get pregnant by mistake, or on the first try, start to sound really lucky after even just a few months. In reality, I actually wasn't planning on taking the test until tomorrow morning. My official "day after". But once I had made my purchase, I was too anxious to wait. And really, I was quite sure it would be just like all the other times. One line dashed with a little bit of heartbreak. For some reason, I decided to hold this test in my hand and watch the shades of pink change. And let me tell you, when I first spotted that faint second line, I thought there was a glimmer of hope. Was I imagining it? Forcing it into existence? And as I watched it become increasingly darker, I was dumbfounded. Awe struck. Was this really happening?! Tonight??? I sat and stared for a few minutes, as I'm sure is par for the course with these things. And then I did the only thing I could think to do. I prettied myself up in anticipation of sharing the news with hubby. And I shakily, and nervously, and almost-not-able-to-think-ily, wrote Kenneth a love note on a card I had purchased months before. I didn't have a grand plan on how to tell him. I only knew I wanted it to be special. Luckily, it wasn't too hard to set the stage. He had music playing. I grabbed the candle. He grabbed the chairs and beer (for him, not me :). And after he spoke about all of the great changes happening in his life, with work and the possibility of traveling, I timidly handed him that card. I'll never forget his reaction. It was perfect beyond words. That smile from ear to ear as he drew out the card and saw the little picture of a baby carriage. The searching eyes as they met mine. And then that pure happiness that you can actually see beaming off of someone. It's so rare. And such a special moment. We will never get back that moment. No matter what happens from here on out. No matter what roads lie ahead of us. I'll never forget that moment between us. There never is a first again.
Backtracking.
Disclaimer: This blog is about to take a turn down memory lane. There are quite a handful of written words that I wrote in the past but never had the courage to post. I think the time has finally come to share them. Though our road has been a bumpy one, I hope my story can provide hope to anyone who is or knows someone who may be suffering through infertility or loss. This story ultimately has a happy ending. I promise.
