See the disclaimer here.
November 12, 2012
It's been awhile, hasn't it? Well, well, well. I might have news.
I've been feeling fairly normal. A little bit of headache, a little bit of food yuckiness... but that's pretty typical this time of the month. Then, the other day, I noticed that the button on my jeans was really bothering me. My stomach felt.. I don't know, sensitive? Still, I didn't get my hopes up.
Today, during my normal trip to the grocery store (ie. Walmart), I decided to purchase a few pee sticks. Eh, why not? It's supposed to be this week. But of course, I couldn't wait more than twenty minutes once I got home. I mean, what the hell? Maybe if I'm pregnant, it'll register early. And sadly, I know from past experience, even though there may only be one line, I still won't be convinced until a certain Aunt actually comes to visit. So, I prepared myself for disappointment and proceeded, with... you know.
The problem? Well, my bladder was feeling a little bit shy, so when I tried to take a closer look at the stick to see if anything had changed, well I kind of, accidentally, sort of dropped it on the floor. Damn. Only me, right? How does one even manage that? BUT the good news is that I swear there was a little bit of a pinkish second line. I swear! So, unless my bathroom floor is expecting, I think there may be a pretty good chance I might be pregnant!!!!
Exclamation points aside, I'm remaining unnaturally calm about this entire thing. I'm so excited at the possibility, that I'm actually being a little timid about taking a second test. If it's negative, it'll be so heart wrenching. Don't let me fool you. By tomorrow morning, I guarantee I will be unwrapping another pink present. I've been praying non-stop for a positive result. I've also been scouring pinterest for a cute way to announce this little miracle to my husband, should it be the real deal. Oh, and I've also already calculated my possible due date and looked to see what astrology sign said blessing will be considered. I mean, I am a Virgo after all.
I guess only time will tell.
Fingers (and toes) crossed!
Someday for another day, originally written August 18th, 2012.
August 18, 2012
I've given up. Well, actually, to state that correctly - I gave up. Awhile ago. I'm just now expressing my given-upness. I decided that my little sensitive self just couldn't take the crushing disappointment for one more month. So, it's official. We stopped trying. At least for now. The calendar has been turned over. And don't you worry, I'm evening keeping that little voice inside my head who's saying, "Oh, but this is when a lot of people do get pregnant. When they stop trying!" at bay. Let me be clear: I haven't stopped trying in a secret attempt to hopefully get pregnant. I'm throwing all thoughts of babies into the wind. Which is why, in part, it's taken me so long to write this post.
I even treated myself to a spending spree, one that clearly did not involve stashing away money for a someday soon baby. And you know, so far, it's been kind of nice. All of that positive thinking, visualization, desperately hoping... it's so exhausting. Try as I might, I couldn't help that inevitable sadness which crept in month after month following our failure. I'm still young. I'm not 39 with one egg left. So I'm taking a little breather. It still creeps up on me sometimes, that craving for a baby. Or that confusion about why it hasn't happened. I've been keeping all of those worst-case-scenario fears away.
I can't say that anything spectacular has happened this month. I've replaced hope with guilt over the amount of money I now owe back on my credit card. Instead of feeling excitement over the what-if's, I'm suddenly bored with life. Not quite single to the point of drinking on a week night and throwing caution to the wind but not yet stuck at home with husband and baby either. I'm lost to the middle ground. I haven't quite decided yet either where I want to take this in the future. Should we try harder? Or less? Should I invest in an ovulation mean machine or consult a fertility specialist? Has it even been a year yet? Jeez, when was the last time I even saw my gyno?
The happy part about all of this is that for now, everything has stopped. No decisions need to be made. This month, I don't know when late will be. I don't know the exact day I should be ripping open the plastic on a pregnancy test. I'm back to life pre-trying. Life is a bit boring, sure, but it's not an emotional roller coaster either. So for now, I'm kicking back with a glass of wine and wondering whether or not I should rack up some more credit card debt by visiting my newly-discovered psychic neighbor. When that's your biggest decision, you know you're doing something right.
The perfect miracle, originally written August 6th, 2012.
See the disclaimer here.
August 6, 2012
I've never been so excited to feel nauseous in my life. It's an interesting phenomenon. In my head I'm all like, "Ohhh! Maybe I'm pregnant! But wait, maybe I just ate something which isn't agreeing with my stomach. Boo :/ But what if maybe I really am pregnant?" 3 more days. 3.more.days. Or else my body's just about to slap me with one hell of a period. Last month in particular, I recall a day somewhat like this. I was so sure. Headache, nausea, achy. You name it. Apparently, someone upstairs was just playing a cruel joke on me though. I can just hear him now...Surprise! I gotcha!!! Not cool man. Not cool. I do have a new theory though. One which I tell myself late at night when I'm having my conversations of thanks, dreams and questions. As a disclaimer, I should tell you that I don't consider myself to be particularly religious. I think I may have mentioned this before. I don't attend church every Sunday, so by default, I'm only religious in that distinctly lazy kind of way designated for people like myself. Nevertheless, I do have my beliefs and my late night conversations with the big guy. So recently, I've been soothing my irrational, inpatient mind with the thought that maybe God is taking his good ole time with my miracle, making sure to pick out someone extra special for this life. One night in a bar (woah, yeah.. switching gears a bit), over wine and good conversation, my co-worker turned friend and I were chatting about life & men, our two favorite topics. She found my perspective on life to be fascinating and made the comment that she thought someday I would have children who would end up revolutionizing the world somehow. It's one of those quirky comments that has always managed to stay with me. So yeah, I'm now convinced that God is taking his time picking out the perfect miracle for this world. It's a comforting thought... to me at least. I'm sure to you, it sounds a little like I'm a head case, but whatevs!
August 6, 2012
I've never been so excited to feel nauseous in my life. It's an interesting phenomenon. In my head I'm all like, "Ohhh! Maybe I'm pregnant! But wait, maybe I just ate something which isn't agreeing with my stomach. Boo :/ But what if maybe I really am pregnant?" 3 more days. 3.more.days. Or else my body's just about to slap me with one hell of a period. Last month in particular, I recall a day somewhat like this. I was so sure. Headache, nausea, achy. You name it. Apparently, someone upstairs was just playing a cruel joke on me though. I can just hear him now...Surprise! I gotcha!!! Not cool man. Not cool. I do have a new theory though. One which I tell myself late at night when I'm having my conversations of thanks, dreams and questions. As a disclaimer, I should tell you that I don't consider myself to be particularly religious. I think I may have mentioned this before. I don't attend church every Sunday, so by default, I'm only religious in that distinctly lazy kind of way designated for people like myself. Nevertheless, I do have my beliefs and my late night conversations with the big guy. So recently, I've been soothing my irrational, inpatient mind with the thought that maybe God is taking his good ole time with my miracle, making sure to pick out someone extra special for this life. One night in a bar (woah, yeah.. switching gears a bit), over wine and good conversation, my co-worker turned friend and I were chatting about life & men, our two favorite topics. She found my perspective on life to be fascinating and made the comment that she thought someday I would have children who would end up revolutionizing the world somehow. It's one of those quirky comments that has always managed to stay with me. So yeah, I'm now convinced that God is taking his time picking out the perfect miracle for this world. It's a comforting thought... to me at least. I'm sure to you, it sounds a little like I'm a head case, but whatevs!
