The next steps, originally written December 19th, 2012.

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December 19, 2012

I have my first appointment with a fertility specialist today. After the miscarriage, I insisted on visiting a gynecologist and was referred almost immediately to a specialist. And to be honest, I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. The rational part of me knows that this may lead to answers and explanations. The other side of me wants to scream at the doctors that I'm not infertile. I've been pregnant twice in the past year. How can you treat me for infertility if I'm able to get pregnant naturally? And do we really want to know what issues they may find? I don't need drugs to get pregnant so what will their recommendations be for the aspects which are possibly incurable? For the aspects of my husband and I that we're unable to change? What if this actually causes our doubt to increase?

I haven't started my period yet either. If you're still reading this blog than you should have been prepared for TMI. And believe me, in the realm of trying to conceive, this is nooooothing compared to some of the personal details often discussed and exchanged. In the past week, I've been feeling all kinds of symptoms and emotional ups and downs, very unlike the experience after my last miscarriage. But this miscarriage was different after all. This one, my body did naturally what it's supposed to do. So out of curiosity this morning, I googled what to expect after a miscarriage. It brought me to this website here: . And from there, after reading the miscarriage section, I glanced over the trying to conceive area. I can't tell you the calm that washed over me. Experiencing these pregnancy issues, if you haven't had to do it, than you really have no idea. I'm sure like much in life. And it's the same reason I'm scared to ask a very pregnant lady questions about her pregnancy. I've never walked in her shoes. I don't know what questions become unbearable. And believe me, I'm sure there are comments that do. But this, this couple who experienced issues with conceiving, that I can relate. The idea that we're somehow in control of our own problems. How many times have friends or family members, with good intentions, instructed me to "be more positive" or "stress less." They're trying to comfort when there's nothing more to say. But oh! How frustrating. I feels as if they're really saying, "you brought this upon yourself. This is your fault because obviously you're doing x, y, and z wrong." So it was so relieving to hear this other couple, whom I've never met, experience similar issues. And the roller coaster they speak of. The first two weeks versus the last two in any given month. Oh! The frustration. The feeling of being two different people, depending on what time of the month it is. 10 years on birth control? Check. I've also been there and have wondered many times whether this has had some adverse impacts on my body. And their reference to Amankeda, not so dissimilar from my psychics who have also given me such hope. It's all had me thinking, maybe I happened upon this website for a reason. I haven't felt the urge to review any information online since my miscarriage. Why today? Why this morning? Right before my appointment. I don't believe anything in life is random. Maybe this is God's sign to me. One of my two favorite psychics (both of which I've only ever visited once) told me to let my intuition guide me. And don't even start about how vague of a statement this is and psychics are BSers etc. etc. or I will be forced to sit you down and share intimate details that are NOT so vague and have all resulted in true happenings. So ANYWAY, both psychics also made a point to tell me that my children will be healthy. It was something about the way they said it, too, as if they were trying to reassure me. I've also held that piece of information close. Even if there are issues with the pregnancy, things will be okay.

So this brings me back to my fertility appointment. I'm going to go. I'm curious. I'm open to the tests. I'm interested to hear what they have to say. But I'm not yet to the point of accepting any type of drugs. I'm only 28 years old for goodness sake. I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe they won't recommend that at all.

But then, there's only one way to find out.

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